Humor

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window? "The Manager replied, "Which one? We have -'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95...'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95...and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00. "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95? " Dad asked surprised. Simple... "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture. "

Fire fighters

There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said,"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure. "

Old man on bench

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying."Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves. "
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world! "
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live! "

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Old

Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of China when it was just ok

Kid joke

Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!

Horse joke

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull. " Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull. " Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull. " Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull. " And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try! "

Border guard

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags? ", asked the guard."Sand," said the cyclist."Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy ", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling? " "Bicycles! "

Friday, November 9, 2012

Wife joke

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home. The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, 'You don't scare me I am married to your sister!'

His and hers

His And Hers ATMs HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel "
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake"