Dog joke

Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.

Moron

The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets? " " 'Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two coats! "

Old man

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? " "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29? " "I am actually47. " That made her feel really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. "As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell ", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47. "Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that? "The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's! "

Cop joke

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it? "I should let you know first that I am a policeman. "That's OK. I'll tell it really slow! "

Funny

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm. "

Nerd humor

How do you know if you are a geek? Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $500.00

Lawyer joke

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

Kids humor

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. " "Why not? " replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute. "

Coffee addiction

You know you are addicted to coffee if -You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. -You sleep with your eyes open. -You have to watch videos in fast-forward. -The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. -You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. -You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. -Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. -You chew on other people's fingernails. -The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. -You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. -You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. -You can jump-start your car without cables. -You don't sweat, you percolate. -You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. -You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. -You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. -People get dizzy just watching you. -Instant coffee takes too long. -You channel surf faster without a remote. -You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. -You can outlast the Energizer bunny. -You short out motion detectors. -You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. -Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. -You help your dog chase its tail. -You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. -Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I. V. hookup. -You ski uphill. -You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. -You answer the door before people knock. -You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.p

Another farmer joke

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large ". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows ". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those "? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas "?"