A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America. Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: 

Officer: May I see your driver's license? 

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. 

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? 

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. 

Officer: The car is stolen? 

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. 

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? 

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. 

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? 

Driver: Yes, sir. 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. 

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license? 

Driver: Sure. Here it is. 

It was valid. 

Captain: Who's car is this? 

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. 

The driver owned the car. 

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? 

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. 

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. 

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. 

Driver: No problem. 

Trunk is opened; no body. 

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. 

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

▶ Bill Cosby---Grandparents - YouTube

▶ Bill Cosby---Grandparents - YouTube: ""

'via Blog this'

‘Saturday Night Live’ Lampoons Al Sharpton’s ‘Politics Nation’ Show | Video | TheBlaze.com

‘Saturday Night Live’ Lampoons Al Sharpton’s ‘Politics Nation’ Show | Video | TheBlaze.com: "Late night comedy show “Saturday Night Live” used a skit this week to poke fun at Al Sharpton’s MSNBC show.

The skit featured an “unpaid contributor to The Huffington Post” as a guest on the “Politics Nation” show to discuss President Barack Obama’s signature health care law."

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▶ ESPN The Magazine: Ron Burgundy interviews Peyton Manning - YouTube

▶ ESPN The Magazine: Ron Burgundy interviews Peyton Manning - YouTube: ""

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A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religious man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle." 

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle." 

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first.  

"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."  

"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."  

"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.  

"I think--"  

"POOF!"

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. 

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. 

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" 

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!" 

Isn't the principal a dummy! said a boy to a girl. 

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl. 

"No." 

"I'm the principal's daughter." 

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy. 

"No," she replied. 

"Thank goodness!"