The 13 Best Jokes Of The 2014 Oscars | MTV.com: "The 2014 Oscars were pretty. But not, like, pretty, pretty. More of a "rugged, dirty pretty." Like Oscar-winner Matthew McConaughey; not like Oscar-winner Jared Leto, according to host Ellen DeGeneres, who provided the vast majority of the funnies during the three-plus hours of the show"
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Monday, March 3, 2014
A girl's father told her to always follow a snow plow if she got lost in a snowstorm. It finally happened. She faithfully followed him until she saw him get out and come to her car. He asked her what she was doing, and she related her father's advice. He then told her that she followed him while he plowed "Best Buy" and asked her if she wanted to follow him while he plowed J.C. Penney's.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "RIO RANCHO, NM—Leaning in anxiously toward her television Sunday as the 86th Academy Awards pre-show coverage began, 36-year-old Rachel Kohls told reporters that her past 12 months of rigorous and painstaking practice critiquing celebrity fashion has all come down to this night."
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Canibals
There were two cannibals talking about recipe ideas. The first cannibal says, "I really don't like the missionaries. They taste terrible."
The second cannibal said, "How did you cook him?"
The first cannibal said, "I put him in the pot and boiled him, just like always."
The second cannibal asked, "What did he look like?"
The first cannibal responded, "He was kinda short, fat, half-bald, and wore a brown tunic."
The second cannibal responded, "Well, there's your problem. That one was a friar."
The second cannibal said, "How did you cook him?"
The first cannibal said, "I put him in the pot and boiled him, just like always."
The second cannibal asked, "What did he look like?"
The first cannibal responded, "He was kinda short, fat, half-bald, and wore a brown tunic."
The second cannibal responded, "Well, there's your problem. That one was a friar."
2 guys in the park
Two old guys are sitting on a park bench when a stray dog walks by, drops onto the grass across from them and starts energetically licking its, ahem, private area.
The two old guys can't help but watch because this dog is really going to town. They're fascinated.
Finally one guy pipes up: "I wish I could do that."
The other replies: "You might want to try petting him first. He looks pretty mean."
The two old guys can't help but watch because this dog is really going to town. They're fascinated.
Finally one guy pipes up: "I wish I could do that."
The other replies: "You might want to try petting him first. He looks pretty mean."
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
The 2013 Darwin Awards Are Out! | My Underwood Typewriter
The 2013 Darwin Awards Are Out! | My Underwood Typewriter: "Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here Is The Glorious Winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked."
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Here Is The Glorious Winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked."
'via Blog this'
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
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