Top 10 Internet Comedy Videos Of 2012:
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Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
School kids
Teacher: What a glum face, what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours?
Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it!
Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it!
Drunk
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home. " The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you? " she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know? " "You left your wheelchair at the bar again. "
Friday, December 28, 2012
Funniest Sports Commercials Of 2012: Blake Griffin, Aaron Rodgers, Kevin Durant, Tom Brady And Other Various Athletes Showcase Talent And Humor Away From Their Sport (Videos) : NFL : Sports World Report
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Best of 2012: political gaffes, funny tube signs and One Pound Fish – Now. Here. This. – Time Out London
Best of 2012: political gaffes, funny tube signs and One Pound Fish – Now. Here. This. – Time Out London: "No one would dispute the Olympics and Diamond Jubilee as highlights of an incredible year for London. But here are five other outstanding events – plus one anticlimax – that made us smile this year."
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Truck drivers
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead. " Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh? "The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas. "
Nerds
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK! " He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season. " "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em. "
Couples
Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle " products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am? " Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty your hair, eighteen and your figure, twenty five. " "Oh, you flatterer! " she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute! " Harold interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet. "
Saturday, December 22, 2012
People posing with statues
People posing with statues: "Here's one way to get your friends to actually pay attention to your vacation photos: Strike funny poses with statues. After pictures started trending on the Internet this week showing statues "attacking" people, we went looking for the most hilarious human-posing-with-statue photos we could find. We've posted our favorites above. We hope you aren't too frightened by number 11."
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
The 25 Funniest AutoCorrects Of 2012
The 25 Funniest AutoCorrects Of 2012: "BRB, throwing out my iPhone. (via Damn You, Autocorrect)"
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Lawyers
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer. During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions. "Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry. "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more... When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's . "THAT'S when I hit him! "
Golf
Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar.
Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60. "
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing! "
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast! "
Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60. "
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing! "
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast! "
Golf
Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar.
Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60. "
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing! "
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast! "
Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60. "
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing! "
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast! "
Exercise
At the Gym For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. Day 1 They suggest I keep this "exercise diary " to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a. m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great. Day 2 Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great Day 3 The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse. Day 4 Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb " must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. Day 5 I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? Day 6 Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel. Day 7 Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's ."
Thursday, December 13, 2012
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. "There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it! " "Oh, my God! " says his friend. "Surely he must have died! " "Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days! "
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr.Gay and said the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?'
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!'
The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane.'
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!' Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!'
The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane.'
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!' Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "Following North Korea’s sudden and controversial launch of a long-range rocket Wednesday morning, reports have confirmed that Ri Sol-ju, the wife of leader Kim Jong-un, successfully jumped inside the missile just in time to escape the communist country."
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
old man and the pond
"An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'"
'via Blog this'
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'"
'via Blog this'
Monday, December 10, 2012
word play
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
siblings
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
dating
Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter. When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!" "Why is that?" her mom asked. "He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!" "Isn't that a good thing?" "He's the original owner mom!"
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Bagpipes
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Assertive
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? " "The funeral director," said his wife."
Hard o hearing
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding? "The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say? "The old man yells, "He says you were speeding! "The patrolman says, "May I see your license? "The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say? "The old man yells, "He wants to see your license! "The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen. "The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say? "And the old man yells, "He said he knows you! "
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Workplace
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name? " Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name? "The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling. "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is... "
Job search
We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this. What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an unbelievable list of what we can only call "the lowlights. "
1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would show that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further ". He promptly responded, "I am as long as you will pay me more ". I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.
27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk. and topping the list....
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview."
1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would show that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further ". He promptly responded, "I am as long as you will pay me more ". I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.
27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk. and topping the list....
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview."
Bar joke
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling... "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!! "
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling... "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!! "
Friday, December 7, 2012
Bar joke
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender. " So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please. " The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me? " replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink. "
Confession
A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either! "
Rich man
A man walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41. The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $5000? "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41? "
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Apple Promises To Fix Glitches In Map Software By Rearranging Earth's Geography | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network
Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "ST. LOUIS—In response to extensive market research, fast food chain Hardee’s announced plans Tuesday to equip every table at its restaurants with its all-new “Shame Curtains,” large, dark drapes behind which menu items can be consumed in complete privacy."
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Animal
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv. " until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible. "
Farmers son
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them. "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven. "
Polititions
Politicians accident A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead? "The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie. "
Monday, December 3, 2012
Stupld
Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny.
Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!
Christmas
Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?
Lady: You certainly did!
Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the right row!
Kids
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible. When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was. I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo. "
Optimistic
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying? " the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken. " answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about? " he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere! "
Food humor
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries - that's my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Hunting
Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.'Don't waste your time,' Pat hollered.'The rifle is not loaded.'I can't wait,' Mike shouted back.'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'
Not a good thing to say to mom
The teacher was furious with her son. "Just because you've been put in my class, there's no need to think you can take liberties. You're a pig. " The boy said nothing. "Well! Do you know what a pig is? " "Yes, Mom," said the boy. "The offspring of a swine. "
Funny business signs and names
Funny business signs and names: "Perhaps nothing is more important when it comes to starting a business than naming that business. Something memorable and strong, which makes the customer feel confident in your ability to give them what they want or need. As far as that goes, all the businesses in this gallery completely failed. Really, we're sort of stunned at how any of these store owners would get past even thinking up some of these store names, let alone hire a sign-maker to fashion a sign for them while keeping a straight face. From ill-considered acronyms to unfortunate family names to just inappropriate, these stores and businesses were born under a bad sign."
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Saturday, December 1, 2012
Funny Jokes | Church Joke | Comedy Central
Funny Jokes | Church Joke | Comedy Central: "One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''"
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''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''"
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Funny Jokes | The Boss Joke | Comedy Central
Funny Jokes | The Boss Joke | Comedy Central: "One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''"
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The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''"
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Funny Jokes | Birdman Joke | Comedy Central
Funny Jokes | Birdman Joke | Comedy Central: "Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs.""
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Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs.""
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Funny Jokes | Bathtub Anxieties Joke | Comedy Central
Funny Jokes | Bathtub Anxieties Joke | Comedy Central: "There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!""
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"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!""
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Funny Jokes | ABC Joke | Comedy Central
Funny Jokes | ABC Joke | Comedy Central: "Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg.""
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"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg.""
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