Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. "
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long. "

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack? "
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack. "
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one? "
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em! "

How do you get a man to do sit ups? Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

How do you get a man to do sit ups? Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what? s up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once. " "Laxatives won? t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He? s afraid to cough. "

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? " The lawyer answers, "Absolutely. "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. "The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation."