Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Measuring Success 

At age 4 success is . . . . not messing in your pants. 

At age 12 success is . . . having friends. 

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. 

At age 20 success is . . . having sex. 

At age 35 success is . . . having money. 

At age 50 success is . . . having money. 

At age 60 success is . . . having sex. 

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. 

At age 75 success is . . . having friends. 

At age 90 success is . . . not messing in your pants. 

A little old Asian lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much... my farts never smell, and they're always quiet. But I've been doing it very often."

The doctor asks her to explain more, and the old lady says, "In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. "The next week the lady comes back. 

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" 

The lady says "To kill my husband." 

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist. 

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 

He looks at the photo and says "Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!"

Years ago I came into this world naked & screaming 

My goodness, now things have changed.  When I'm naked somebody else does the screaming.

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN

10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

Kiss' Smash Hit 'Beth' Spoofed in Hilarious New Video

Kiss' Smash Hit 'Beth' Spoofed in Hilarious New Video: "Kiss’ biggest chart hit, ‘Beth,’ has been re-imagined as a ’70s-style dramedy in a hilarious video complete with actors playing the role of Peter Criss and a nagging wife imploring him to leave a recording session — because dinner is getting cold and the kids are driving her crazy."

'via Blog this'