Tuesday, December 17, 2013

A young man in a drug store asks the pharmacist for condoms. The pharmacist explained the product and asked, "They come in packets of three, six and twelve. How many you think you would need?" 

"Well" explains the young man, "I have known this wonderful girl for seven months now. Tonight I am meeting her parents for the first time, and then we are off to an all-night party. So I think tonight is the night I will get in her. And, once she gets it, I know she will want more. Better give me a dozen!" Having made his purchase, the fellow drives home, dresses for dinner and arrives at his girlfriend's house. 

At dinner, he is asked to offer the blessing. He prays, and prays, and prays, and prays and not taking his head up. Finally, his girlfriend leans over and says; "You never told me you were so religious!" 

He answered her; "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!" 
A blonde, on the verge of bankruptcy, sees God as her only hope.  She prays to God for help - "God, please help me. I've lost my business and I need some money. I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lottery." 

Lotto night comes and goes, and somebody else wins it. 

The desperate blonde prays again - "God, please let me win the Lottery! I've lost my business, my house and now, I'm going to lose my car as well." 

This time too, she was unlucky, and someone else won the Lottery. 

She again prayed - "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. I have always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the Lottery just this one time so I can save the life of my kids. 

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there emerged God. 

God said to amazed blonde, "Sweetheart, please work with me on this. Go and ... Buy a ticket"
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)