Saturday, February 1, 2014

Ever wonder

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. OK  so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging\at him, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:

"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."
The Top 10 Ways to Annoy People 

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper. 

2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage." 

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 

5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 

6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy." 

7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 

8. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 

9. Ask people what gender they are. 

10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely,  healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy! 

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. 

"What will you name the baby"? 

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 

"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong!