The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?" 

"Yes. What do you want?" 

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." 

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. 

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."