Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in Psychological Bulletin, more than 83 percent of suicides take place when an individual is faced with the task of putting a fitted sheet onto a mattress. "In the majority of these cases, "

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Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "NEWS

Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy
FEBRUARY 6, 2012 | ISSUE 48•06


NASA scientists, whose intelligence was called "adorable" by the pompous alien race.
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HOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind's understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13.8 billion light-years away."

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New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S. populace, dramatically accelerating the nation's signs of aging."

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