Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. "
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long. "
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack? "
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack. "
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one? "
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em! "
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack? "
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack. "
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one? "
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em! "
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what? s up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once. " "Laxatives won? t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He? s afraid to cough. "
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? " The lawyer answers, "Absolutely. "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. "The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation."
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Elephant story
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing? " he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go! "The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back! "Off you go," said the officer."
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad!
Monday, January 14, 2013
UK snow: Funny virals flood Twitter and Facebook as country is hit by Big Freeze - Mirror Online
UK snow: Funny virals flood Twitter and Facebook as country is hit by Big Freeze - Mirror Online: "In one picture a giant polar bear can be seen strolling down a residential street while in another Big Ben is seen covered in snow like a scene from disaster movie The Day After Tomorrow"
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Funny Moneyball: The sensuality of baseball scouting terms, as read by comedian Rob Delaney | Big League Stew - Yahoo! Sports
Funny Moneyball: The sensuality of baseball scouting terms, as read by comedian Rob Delaney | Big League Stew - Yahoo! Sports: "This Youtube video of comedian Rob Delaney reading baseball scouting terms and commenting on their inherent sensuality (even sexuality in some cases) is not safe for work and should be watched by kids under parental supervision only. (There, that'll stop 'em!)"
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Doritos 'Crash The Super Bowl' 2013 Finalists Revealed: Which Funny Ad Gets Your Vote? (VIDEOS)
Doritos 'Crash The Super Bowl' 2013 Finalists Revealed: Which Funny Ad Gets Your Vote? (VIDEOS): "Fancy crisp-makers Doritos have just announced the five finalists in their annual ‘Crash The Super Bowl’ contest - a competition that's open to all amateur ad-makers, and which sees the winner having their commercial aired during the Super Bowl. (We're up to XLVII, in case you're wondering. Those Roman numerals sure are getting tricky.)"
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
16 Exercise GIFs to Relieve Your Workout Guilt
16 Exercise GIFs to Relieve Your Workout Guilt: "You may have Jazzercised or Zumbaed your way into 2013, riding high on the fumes of ambitious New Year's resolutions. Now, a week into the new year, you may already be feeling more couch potato than Richard Simmons."
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Cannibal joke
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this? " The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup. "
Lawyer joke
What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm? At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human being.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
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