A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. 

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. 

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." 

"What on earth do you mean???" 

"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: 

Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" 

"Very good," said her mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" 

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. 

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" 

"Very good," said her mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" 

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" 

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. 

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" 

"No, it's because you're 25." 

One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbor who was also out there gives her a weird look. 

An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbor goes "What the hell is she doing?" 

An hour later she goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbor gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing. The blonde says, "My stupid computer keeps saying you've got mail."

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Bulletin Bloopers 
Ushers will eat latecomers. (seat)

She sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving much pleasure to the congregation.

Sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. Sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

A letter to the men’s fellowship reads: "All members are requested to bring their wives and one other covered dish to the annual banquet."

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in Church Services..........

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.....It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Funny cartoon

'via Blog this'

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?" 

"Yes. What do you want?" 

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." 

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. 

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." 

A small boy is sent to bed by his father... 

[Five minutes later]  

"Da-ad..."  

"What?"  

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"  

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."  

[Five minutes later]  

"Da-aaaad..."  

"WHAT?"  

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"  

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"  

[Five minutes later]  

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."  

"WHAT??!!"  

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins" 

"That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" 

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" 

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Alibaba and the forty Thieves"!!!

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde, 'I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said, 'That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." 

This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immediately got up and went to her seat in coach. 

The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"  

"Why?"  

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. 

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. 

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." 

Car break trouble :  Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. "

A New York boy was being led through the swamps... : A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight? "The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight. "

20 Reasons Why Going To The Gym Is A Huge Waste Of Time

20 Reasons Why Going To The Gym Is A Huge Waste Of Time:

'via Blog this'

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Yo mama's so grouchy the McDonald's she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before. 

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night." 

"Don't worry." Danny says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack." 

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!" 

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. 

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. 

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,  

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" 

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,  

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" 

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. 

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." 

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. 

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.  

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Husband: Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? 

Wife: I clean the toilet seat. 

Husband: How does that help? 

Wife: I use your toothbrush!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.  

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."  

They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.  

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.  

They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continue on up.  

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left.  

Wondering what they would be missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.  

On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. 

There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'

'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss is outraged and fires me.

When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'

'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long  been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." 

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." 

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." 

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: 

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom." 

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." 

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. 

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. 

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" 

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"  to live without you."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? 

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs

B ... Barely there.

C ... Can't Complain!

D ... Damn!

DD... Double damn!

E ... Enormous!

F ... Fake