Gorilla joke

The Insensitive Gorilla : A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt? "she asks. She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written! "

Car accident

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck... : A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. 

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk. " The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying? " asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this? "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened? "The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking? " asked the officer. "Yes. "What else? "The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

 "They were smoking marijuana? "Yes. "What else? "The monkey motioned "Screwing. "They were screwing, too? " asked the astounded officer. "Yes. " "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked. "Yes. "What were you doing during all this? "Driving " motioned the monkey.

Cow on the tracks

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on? " she yells out the window. "Cow on the track! " replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again? "

Animal crackers

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing? " his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the Boy explained, so "I'm looking for the seal! "

Perfect customer

 A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. 

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night? "An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. 

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too. "

New sports car

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

 He floored it to 100 mp......h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

The three legged chicken :

 A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck. Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken.

 The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken. The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken. As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens. 

After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. "Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own. " "That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste? "I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one. " 

Dog at the movies

A man running a little behind schedule arrives... :

 A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre,

 goes in to watch the movie that has already started, 

and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. 

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: 

wagging its tail in the happy bits, 

drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,

"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. 

I'm amazed! "Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book.

Bill Cosby quote

Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific. --Bill Cosby

Air traffic control humor

"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.. "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here? "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727? "