$20 bill

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted. " The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here. "

Fishing joke

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater? "Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue? "Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son. " Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? "The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothing. "

Airline joke

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested system an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ... "

IRS humor

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated. "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes? "The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything. "

Marriage counselor

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.
He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day! "
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow? "

Interview

Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant. "Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants. "Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor. "Employer: "More than we can use already. "Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor. "Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications. "Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk! "Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening. "

Airplane humor

"I've never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't you?"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left anyone up there yet! "

At work

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don't pay enough to expect tha't you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED:Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON:If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you don't ask me about all the Mc Jobs I've had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes. I'M PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer. I AM ADAPTABLE:I've changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO:I'm never at my desk.

Funny letters to landlords

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Life insurance

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance sales man was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave... "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think. "