Bar joke

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling... "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!! "

Bar joke

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender. " So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please. " The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me? " replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink. "

Confession

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either! "

Rich man

A man walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41. The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $5000? "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41? "

Apple Promises To Fix Glitches In Map Software By Rearranging Earth's Geography | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network

Apple Promises To Fix Glitches In Map Software By Rearranging Earth's Geography | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network:

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Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "ST. LOUIS—In response to extensive market research, fast food chain Hardee’s announced plans Tuesday to equip every table at its restaurants with its all-new “Shame Curtains,” large, dark drapes behind which menu items can be consumed in complete privacy."

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The Ultimate Fails Compilation ✔ - YouTube

The Ultimate Fails Compilation ✔ - YouTube: ""

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Animal

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv. " until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible. "

Farmers son

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them. "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven. "

Polititions

Politicians accident A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead? "The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie. "