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Steve Pease / Pinterest: "

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'via Blog this'

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you? "The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful. "The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful! "

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium. " "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket? " "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not. " "Season's more than half over," he said."

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. "
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long. "

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack? "
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack. "
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one? "
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em! "

How do you get a man to do sit ups? Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

How do you get a man to do sit ups? Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what? s up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once. " "Laxatives won? t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He? s afraid to cough. "

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? " The lawyer answers, "Absolutely. "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. "The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation."

Elephant story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn't the same elephant.