A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. 

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. 

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." 

Car break trouble :  Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. "

A New York boy was being led through the swamps... : A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight? "The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight. "

20 Reasons Why Going To The Gym Is A Huge Waste Of Time

20 Reasons Why Going To The Gym Is A Huge Waste Of Time:

'via Blog this'

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Yo mama's so grouchy the McDonald's she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before. 

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night." 

"Don't worry." Danny says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack." 

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!" 

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. 

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. 

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,  

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" 

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,  

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" 

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. 

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." 

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. 

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.  

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Husband: Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? 

Wife: I clean the toilet seat. 

Husband: How does that help? 

Wife: I use your toothbrush!