Funny letters to landlords

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Life insurance

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance sales man was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave... "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think. "

Soldier insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Oct 2

College grad

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store. "But I'm a college graduate. " the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how. "

The conductor

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer. "A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor. "

Not too smart lumberjack

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine. The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise? "

Can't wait that long

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. " The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long. "

Interesting thoughts

WHY?..
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down " and "slow up " mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance " and "slim chance " mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game " when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands " when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark " when it really is "after light "?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected " make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"

Gorilla joke

The Insensitive Gorilla : A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt? "she asks. She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written! "

Car accident

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck... : A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. 

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk. " The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying? " asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this? "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened? "The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking? " asked the officer. "Yes. "What else? "The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

 "They were smoking marijuana? "Yes. "What else? "The monkey motioned "Screwing. "They were screwing, too? " asked the astounded officer. "Yes. " "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked. "Yes. "What were you doing during all this? "Driving " motioned the monkey.