How we think

Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. "

Amazing dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim. "

$20 bill

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted. " The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here. "

Fishing joke

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater? "Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue? "Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son. " Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? "The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothing. "

Airline joke

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested system an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ... "

IRS humor

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated. "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes? "The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything. "

Marriage counselor

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.
He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day! "
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow? "

Interview

Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant. "Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants. "Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor. "Employer: "More than we can use already. "Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor. "Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications. "Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk! "Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening. "

Airplane humor

"I've never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't you?"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left anyone up there yet! "

At work

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don't pay enough to expect tha't you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED:Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON:If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you don't ask me about all the Mc Jobs I've had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes. I'M PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer. I AM ADAPTABLE:I've changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO:I'm never at my desk.