Humor

Monday, December 10, 2012

word play

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

dating

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter. When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!" "Why is that?" her mom asked. "He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!" "Isn't that a good thing?" "He's the original owner mom!"

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Bagpipes

Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

Assertive

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? " "The funeral director," said his wife."

Hard o hearing

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding? "The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say? "The old man yells, "He says you were speeding! "The patrolman says, "May I see your license? "The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say? "The old man yells, "He wants to see your license! "The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen. "The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say? "And the old man yells, "He said he knows you! "

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Workplace

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name? " Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name? "The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling. "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is... "