Lawyers

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer. During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions. "Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry. "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more... When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's . "THAT'S when I hit him! "

Golf

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar.
Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60. "
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing! "
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast! "

Golf

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar.
Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60. "
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing! "
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast! "

Exercise

At the Gym For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. Day 1 They suggest I keep this "exercise diary " to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a. m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great. Day 2 Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great Day 3 The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse. Day 4 Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb " must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. Day 5 I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? Day 6 Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel. Day 7 Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's ."

A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. "There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it! " "Oh, my God! " says his friend. "Surely he must have died! " "Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days! "

What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?
A chauffeur.

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr.Gay and said the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?'
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!'
The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane.'
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!' Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"

The Ultimate Girls Fail Compilation 2012 - YouTube

The Ultimate Girls Fail Compilation 2012 - YouTube: ""

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Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "Following North Korea’s sudden and controversial launch of a long-range rocket Wednesday morning, reports have confirmed that Ri Sol-ju, the wife of leader Kim Jong-un, successfully jumped inside the missile just in time to escape the communist country."

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old man and the pond

 "An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'"

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