The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?" 

"Yes. What do you want?" 

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." 

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. 

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." 

A small boy is sent to bed by his father... 

[Five minutes later]  

"Da-ad..."  

"What?"  

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"  

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."  

[Five minutes later]  

"Da-aaaad..."  

"WHAT?"  

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"  

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"  

[Five minutes later]  

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."  

"WHAT??!!"  

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins" 

"That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" 

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" 

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Alibaba and the forty Thieves"!!!

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde, 'I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said, 'That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." 

This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immediately got up and went to her seat in coach. 

The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"  

"Why?"  

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. 

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. 

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." 

Car break trouble :  Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. "