Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and ask: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." 

"But, officer, I just wanted to say" 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

What's the definition of an accountant? 

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.  

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"  

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.  

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"  

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."  

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."  

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. 

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. 

She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.  

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. 

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company. The company field tested it but it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from nobody.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. 

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. 

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." 

"What on earth do you mean???" 

"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: 

Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" 

"Very good," said her mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" 

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. 

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" 

"Very good," said her mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" 

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" 

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. 

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" 

"No, it's because you're 25." 

One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbor who was also out there gives her a weird look. 

An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbor goes "What the hell is she doing?" 

An hour later she goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbor gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing. The blonde says, "My stupid computer keeps saying you've got mail."