Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
A Beautiful story
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men on road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," one replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a large limousine.
Once under way, one of the fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you. "
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
You really didn't think this was a heart-warming lawyer story...did you?
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
'Why, of course,' comes the reply.
The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?'
'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.
The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'
'Of course,' replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?'
'Dublin,' comes the reply.
'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.'
'Of course,' replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?'
'St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'
'This is unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.'
About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.
'What's been going on?' he asks the barman.
'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon was, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good Luck Mr Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or the American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr Gorsky." statement meant, but he always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. This time Armstrong finally responsed. Mr Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a small kid in a mid west town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball which landed in the neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr and Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned to pick up the ball, young Neil heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky, "Sex? You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
A young man in a drug store asks the pharmacist for condoms. The pharmacist explained the product and asked, "They come in packets of three, six and twelve. How many you think you would need?"
"Well" explains the young man, "I have known this wonderful girl for seven months now. Tonight I am meeting her parents for the first time, and then we are off to an all-night party. So I think tonight is the night I will get in her. And, once she gets it, I know she will want more. Better give me a dozen!" Having made his purchase, the fellow drives home, dresses for dinner and arrives at his girlfriend's house.
At dinner, he is asked to offer the blessing. He prays, and prays, and prays, and prays and not taking his head up. Finally, his girlfriend leans over and says; "You never told me you were so religious!"
He answered her; "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"
A blonde, on the verge of bankruptcy, sees God as her only hope. She prays to God for help - "God, please help me. I've lost my business and I need some money. I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lottery."
Lotto night comes and goes, and somebody else wins it.
The desperate blonde prays again - "God, please let me win the Lottery! I've lost my business, my house and now, I'm going to lose my car as well."
This time too, she was unlucky, and someone else won the Lottery.
She again prayed - "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. I have always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the Lottery just this one time so I can save the life of my kids.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there emerged God.
God said to amazed blonde, "Sweetheart, please work with me on this. Go and ... Buy a ticket"
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)
Monday, December 16, 2013
To get into heaven you have to walk up 100 stairs but on each stair God asks you a joke and if you laugh you go to hell.
So the brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell.
The red-head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell.
Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing. God asked her "Why are you laughing?" the blonde replied "I just got the first one!"
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
Saturday, December 14, 2013
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America. Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
‘Saturday Night Live’ Lampoons Al Sharpton’s ‘Politics Nation’ Show | Video | TheBlaze.com
‘Saturday Night Live’ Lampoons Al Sharpton’s ‘Politics Nation’ Show | Video | TheBlaze.com: "Late night comedy show “Saturday Night Live” used a skit this week to poke fun at Al Sharpton’s MSNBC show.
The skit featured an “unpaid contributor to The Huffington Post” as a guest on the “Politics Nation” show to discuss President Barack Obama’s signature health care law."
'via Blog this'
The skit featured an “unpaid contributor to The Huffington Post” as a guest on the “Politics Nation” show to discuss President Barack Obama’s signature health care law."
'via Blog this'
Saturday, December 7, 2013
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religious man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.
"I think--"
"POOF!"
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
There once was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead that were stuck on an island. One day, the brunette found a magic lamp on the island. A genie came out of the lamp and said he would grant each person a wish.
The brunette said, "I wish for a ship so I could sail home," and the genie gave her a ship.
The redhead said, "I wish for a airplane so I could fly home," and the genie gave her an airplane.
The blonde sighed sadly. "I'm so lonely. I wish my friends were back here with me."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Video: Duck Dynasty Offers Thanksgiving Turkey Tips — www.outdoorhub.com — Readability
Video: Duck Dynasty Offers Thanksgiving Turkey Tips — www.outdoorhub.com — Readability: "Jase and Si Robertson of the hit A&E show Duck Dynasty partner with State Farm in this informative commercial about the art of turkey frying. While there are no ducks or duck calls here, Jase and Si still find themselves running into bird-related troubles"
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Saturday, November 23, 2013
30 People Who Are So Stupid They Will Make You Dumber
30 People Who Are So Stupid They Will Make You Dumber: "Every now and then, everyone has brain farts. You forget how to make change, you misspell the word “definitely” or maybe you just wore mismatched socks. But these people all took that to a brand new level. Maybe I’m being a little bit harsh, but…probably not."
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Monday, November 11, 2013
SHIT ! from Joe Burton
SHIT ! from Joe Burton: "Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that"
'via Blog this'
before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that"
'via Blog this'
This was Actually Said..
This was Actually Said..: "This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:"
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Friday, November 8, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door." "Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car."
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked, woman?
"She responds: "This is the dress of love."
And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Pocket : Viral Videos: The ultimate parking lot fail
Pocket : Viral Videos: The ultimate parking lot fail: "It can be tough to get out of tight parking spots when the lot fills up. But there's no way it should be THIS hard! This security camera captures the worst parking lot fail of all time! How would you have gotten out of this jam?"
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Upcounsel rounds up the strangest laws still on the books in the U.S.
Upcounsel rounds up the strangest laws still on the books in the U.S.: "Online attorney directory Upcounsel recently did a roundup of the strangest laws still on the books in the U.S., and while we're not necessarily interested in telling Congress what they should be doing, maybe axing a few of these would help them feel more productive."
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Saturday, October 19, 2013
35 Hilarious Survival Tips For Dysfunctional Families | The Poke:
35 Hilarious Survival Tips For Dysfunctional Families | The Poke:: "To celebrate the launch of The Millers, the no.1 new comedy in the US, starring Arrested Development’s Will Arnett and Glee’s Jayma Mays, we provide some helpful tips on surviving modern day family life."
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Monday, September 9, 2013
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, e says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It' s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and ask: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Monday, September 2, 2013
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."
The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."
The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
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