Thursday, January 30, 2014

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." 

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." 

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" 

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." 

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.  

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"  

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."  

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."  

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."  

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.  

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"  

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.  

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"  

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."  

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."  

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."  

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.  

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"  

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." 

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded.

6-Day Visit To Rural African Village Completely Changes Woman’s Facebook Profile Picture | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

6-Day Visit To Rural African Village Completely Changes Woman’s Facebook Profile Picture | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "ST. LOUIS—Calling the experience “completely transformative,” local 22-year-old Angela Fisher told reporters Tuesday that her six-day visit to the rural Malawian village of Neno has completely changed her profile picture on Facebook."



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Sunday, January 26, 2014

Top 5 Funniest Movies

Top 5 Funniest Movies: "Everyone has a different opinion of what they think is funny. Some things are funny at some times, and not funny at others. Of all the movies I have seen, these are my top 5 of all time. If you have not seen all of these movies, you should. It was hard to narrow it down to 5, but I didn't want to have the list too long. Check out my choices and let me know what you think, agree or disagree."



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Saturday, January 25, 2014

Never Give Up | Political Humor

Never Give Up | Political Humor:



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What Happened to You? I Got Fired. | Political Humor

What Happened to You? I Got Fired. | Political Humor:



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‘I’ll Make a Tri-Legged Minotaur’: The ‘Bad Lip Reading’ Guys Make Triumphant Return With Side-Splitting NFL Video | Video | TheBlaze.com

‘I’ll Make a Tri-Legged Minotaur’: The ‘Bad Lip Reading’ Guys Make Triumphant Return With Side-Splitting NFL Video | Video | TheBlaze.com: "With the Super Bowl just around the corner, the “Bad Lip Reading” guys are back with a brand-new video featuring NFL superstars. We’re not sure how they do it, but the videos seem to get better and better each time."



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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married." 

"Why not," giggles the woman. 

"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket." 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.  

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.  

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"  

He replied, "To the kitchen." 

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"  

"Sure."  

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"  

"No, I can remember that."  

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.  

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."  

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."  

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.  

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.  

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought -- I can't figure out how to get started." 

Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?" 

"From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde. 

The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box." 

"Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde. 

"Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."
Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, "If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down." "And if you were a lady," replied Roger, "you'd stand up and let four people sit down."

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Report: Lake Ice Grows Safer To Venture Out On With Each Beer Consumed | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Report: Lake Ice Grows Safer To Venture Out On With Each Beer Consumed | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "According to a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Minnesota, the layer of ice atop frozen lakes grows incrementally thicker and safer to venture out onto with each beer that an individual consumes. “While the surface ice covering a lake may pose a very real hazard of collapsing under the weight of a sober subject, we discovered that this same ice becomes progressively more sturdy with each 12-ounce can of beer that a subject puts back,” said lead researcher Robert Piper, noting that the ice sheets atop lakes, as well as large ponds and certain rivers, could be rendered virtually impervious to cracking beneath a fully grown man provided he has consumed four or more tallboys, regardless of temperature or weather conditions."



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Monday, January 20, 2014

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the  doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the  first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor  replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say  something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it  again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her  deafness". 

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He  starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping  some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. 

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet  closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about  an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" 

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.  

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,  

"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"  

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

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17 Cows That Forgot How to Cow - The Ditziest Farm Animals Ever

17 Cows That Forgot How to Cow - The Ditziest Farm Animals Ever: "Although an animal’s instincts are certainly strong, sometimes even animals get a little air headed from time to time. We think you’ll appreciate this list of cows who suddenly forgot how to to be a cow."



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Saturday, January 18, 2014

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Measuring Success 

At age 4 success is . . . . not messing in your pants. 

At age 12 success is . . . having friends. 

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. 

At age 20 success is . . . having sex. 

At age 35 success is . . . having money. 

At age 50 success is . . . having money. 

At age 60 success is . . . having sex. 

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. 

At age 75 success is . . . having friends. 

At age 90 success is . . . not messing in your pants. 
A little old Asian lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much... my farts never smell, and they're always quiet. But I've been doing it very often."

The doctor asks her to explain more, and the old lady says, "In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. "The next week the lady comes back. 

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" 

The lady says "To kill my husband." 

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist. 

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 

He looks at the photo and says "Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!"
Years ago I came into this world naked & screaming 

My goodness, now things have changed.  When I'm naked somebody else does the screaming.
TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN

10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

Kiss' Smash Hit 'Beth' Spoofed in Hilarious New Video

Kiss' Smash Hit 'Beth' Spoofed in Hilarious New Video: "Kiss’ biggest chart hit, ‘Beth,’ has been re-imagined as a ’70s-style dramedy in a hilarious video complete with actors playing the role of Peter Criss and a nagging wife imploring him to leave a recording session — because dinner is getting cold and the kids are driving her crazy."

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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

30 Kids Who Wrote The Meanest Notes Ever. I Should Feel Bad…But I Can’t Stop Laughing! | Distractify

30 Kids Who Wrote The Meanest Notes Ever. I Should Feel Bad…But I Can’t Stop Laughing! | Distractify: "Children are so brutally honest with their opinions, especially toward adults. I LOST IT when I got to the 5th one."

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Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "WASHINGTON—Following years of continued fighting and disorder in the troubled region, President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress."

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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch  and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too." 

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping off too!" 

The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox and sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican opens his lunch box and sees burritos and jumps off too. The redneck opens his lunchbox and sees bologna so he jumps to his death. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping and says, "If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage I would have never given it to him again!". The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. 

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." 

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

5 Ways to Beat Old-School Games Using Math | Cracked.com

5 Ways to Beat Old-School Games Using Math | Cracked.com: "A few years ago, the news came out that computers have ruined the game of checkers forever by coming up with a perfect strategy that can't be beaten. This made us wonder if there were other ways to use math to completely ruin innocent games from our childhood."

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xkcd: The Difference

xkcd: The Difference:

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31 Brilliant examples of Engrish fails... from Mikepattonfan (Sean Warhurst)

31 Brilliant examples of Engrish fails... from Mikepattonfan (Sean Warhurst):

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Sunday, January 5, 2014

Funny shot

▶ Funny airplane landing on highway (high quality) - Must watch! - YouTube

▶ Funny airplane landing on highway (high quality) - Must watch! - YouTube: ""

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The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny | hahasforhoohas.com

The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny | hahasforhoohas.com: "Like everything in life, farts have a time and place.  However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history.  Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams.  And, if it makes his eyes burn.  If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes)"

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Wednesday, January 1, 2014