Bill Cosby - Himself - YouTube: ""
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Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
The 2013 Darwin Awards Are Out! | My Underwood Typewriter
The 2013 Darwin Awards Are Out! | My Underwood Typewriter: "Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here Is The Glorious Winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked."
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Here Is The Glorious Winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked."
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Tuesday, February 25, 2014
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the phone."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Friday, February 21, 2014
Christian Humor: This doesn’t sound like any of us—does it? | For God's Glory Alone Ministries
Christian Humor: This doesn’t sound like any of us—does it? | For God's Glory Alone Ministries: "I don’t know about you but I can use some humor this morning as yesterday kind’a got to me with all the horrible news being reported about the death and abuse of children across our land and what is going on in Ukraine. A little Christian humor for us to start our Thursday! Can you relate?"
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Thursday, February 20, 2014
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead went to the water park to go down the water slide. An employee told them, "Did you know that the water slide is magical? When you slide down, shout out your favorite thing to drink, and you will land in it!"
So the brunette went down the slide and shouted, "Lemonade!" and she landed in a big pool of lemonade.
Then the redhead went down the slide and yelled out, "Root Beer!" and she landed in a large pool of root beer.
But when the blonde went down, she forgot the rules, and yelled out, "Weeeee!"
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the bathrooms, and he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching, the man decided to take a leak in the fountain.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He looked through the crowd in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "SOCHI, RUSSIA—In a race against time, local emergency crews reportedly rushed to rescue Italian figure skater Carolina Kostner Wednesday after the Olympian plunged through a hazardous thin patch of ice during her short program at the Iceberg Skating Palace. “Unfortunately she skated way out into the middle of the rink where the ice was weak and it collapsed instantly when she landed her triple axel,"
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Monday, February 17, 2014
Getting Ready for Jackalope Season with Lisa Jane Barron — www.outdoorhub.com
Getting Ready for Jackalope Season with Lisa Jane Barron — www.outdoorhub.com: "Her grand-dad never broke stride when telling of his jackalope adventures, so when Lisa Jane inherited his license a few years ago, she has continued with the tradition."
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‘Young Frankenstein’ brings the horror and humor of iconic monster tale to the stage - Columbia Daily Tribune | Columbia Missouri: Ovation
‘Young Frankenstein’ brings the horror and humor of iconic monster tale to the stage - Columbia Daily Tribune | Columbia Missouri: Ovation: "If you want to place blame for the growing neurosis over the impending zombie apocalypse, you should probably cast an eye at Dr. Frankenstein and his monster. Or, if you prefer, "Young Frankenstein," which is in production at Columbia Entertainment Company."
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Saturday, February 15, 2014
Smart Blonde joke
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Coworker Who Already Breathes, Chews Loudly Thinking About Getting Into Arrhythmically Drumming On Desk | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Coworker Who Already Breathes, Chews Loudly Thinking About Getting Into Arrhythmically Drumming On Desk | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "Saying he feels the need every now and again to vary his repertoire, Seaport Data Systems junior account manager Brandon Herbert, an individual who already spends much of his workday breathing and chewing loudly, told reporters Monday that he is thinking about getting into arrhythmically drumming his hands on his desk."
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Valentine’s Day printables and jokes for kids and the young at heart - Atlanta Northside Family & Parenting | Examiner.com
Valentine’s Day printables and jokes for kids and the young at heart - Atlanta Northside Family & Parenting | Examiner.com: "After several frozen days in Atlanta, parents and kids are ready to break out of the winter doldrums. These Valentine's Day jokes, cards, activities and more for kids and the young at heart can do just that."
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Friday, February 14, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
political joke
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off. A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans."
"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?" "Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."
"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?" "Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Winter Olympics Jokes - Best Jokes about 2014 Russia Olympics
Winter Olympics Jokes - Best Jokes about 2014 Russia Olympics: "Funny Late-Night Jokes about the 2014 Winter Olympics in Russia"
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Must See Imagery: 20 hilarious photos to brighten your Monday - Guyism
Must See Imagery: 20 hilarious photos to brighten your Monday - Guyism: "In today's Must See Imagery we have some hilarious demotivational posters, beautiful women, epic photobombs, and more! Aggregating content from the web's hottest sources: Facebook, Tumblr, Imgur (often via Reddit), amongst others, we're able to save you those precious man hours that can be used for things like grilling red meat, or wondering who the hell that sexy girl was in that commercial you just saw. If you come across any photos you think should be included in this daily feature then head on over HERE and post them to our Facebook wall, and I'll be sure to include them (provided they don't suck, and you actually understand what funny is)."
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Sunday, February 9, 2014
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared in to the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
The Top 10 Science Jokes, As Told By Stephen Hawking - Science Channel : Inscider
The Top 10 Science Jokes, As Told By Stephen Hawking - Science Channel : Inscider: "Stephen Hawking may be best known as a physicist, cosmologist and one of the world's smartest people, but these videos are proof he should add 'comedian' to his already robust résumé."
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Saturday, February 8, 2014
10 Jokes From ‘Blazing Saddles’ That Would Never Make The Cut In 2014 — www.uproxx.com
10 Jokes From ‘Blazing Saddles’ That Would Never Make The Cut In 2014 — www.uproxx.com: "The classic Mel Brooks comedy Blazing Saddles was released 40 years ago today, well before most of us were born, so when you’re done reading this, you can call your dad and remind him just how old he really is. Today’s so-called spoof directors could clearly learn a thing or 10,000 from one of the genre’s forefathers, Mel Brooks, because there isn’t a hilarious joke idea in Aaron Seltzer’s or Jason Friedberg’s brains that could still make people cry from laughter 40 years from now the same way that “Excuse me while I whip this out” still makes me smile like an asshole."
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Friday, February 7, 2014
Lawyer Joke
A lawyer is seeing an elder lady client, he charges her $100 to create her will.
She gives him $100 bill, not noticing that there was another $100 bill stuck to the bottom of the first one.
After seeing the 2 bills stuck together the lawyer has an ethical question come to mind, "do I tell my partner?"
She gives him $100 bill, not noticing that there was another $100 bill stuck to the bottom of the first one.
After seeing the 2 bills stuck together the lawyer has an ethical question come to mind, "do I tell my partner?"
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor : funny
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor : funny: "After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and repair the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers."
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A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign. As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.
The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.
"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now I'm gonna be late for my appointment. You better believe you're gonna regret this day!"
The farmer calmly surveyed the scene. "Look, young fella, you're all worked up. Neither one of us is hurt -- it's just our rides that are a little banged up," he said. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out a hip flask and offered it to the lawyer. "Here, why don't you take a slug of this whiskey. It'll help you calm down."
After a moment, the lawyer accepted and took a deep drink. A bit later, he tipped up the flask and took another swig. Then he returned it to the farmer, who closed the flask and put it away.
"Don't you want any yourself?" asked the lawyer.
"Not just yet," answered the farmer. "I'll wait until after the police leave."
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Ever wonder
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. OK so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.
That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging\at him, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."
The Top 10 Ways to Annoy People
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby"?
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong!
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