A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.  

There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."  

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"  

"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.  

"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."  

The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" The teacher paused and smiled.  

"Then," Lucy said, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. 

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" 

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

The 13 Best Jokes Of The 2014 Oscars | MTV.com

The 13 Best Jokes Of The 2014 Oscars | MTV.com: "The 2014 Oscars were pretty. But not, like, pretty, pretty. More of a "rugged, dirty pretty." Like Oscar-winner Matthew McConaughey; not like Oscar-winner Jared Leto, according to host Ellen DeGeneres, who provided the vast majority of the funnies during the three-plus hours of the show"



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A girl's father told her to always follow a snow plow if she got lost in a snowstorm. It finally happened. She faithfully followed him until she saw him get out and come to her car. He asked her what she was doing, and she related her father's advice. He then told her that she followed him while he plowed "Best Buy" and asked her if she wanted to follow him while he plowed J.C. Penney's.

INSANE REDNECK BARBIE JEEP RACING - YouTube

INSANE REDNECK BARBIE JEEP RACING - YouTube: ""



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Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "RIO RANCHO, NM—Leaning in anxiously toward her television Sunday as the 86th Academy Awards pre-show coverage began, 36-year-old Rachel Kohls told reporters that her past 12 months of rigorous and painstaking practice critiquing celebrity fashion has all come down to this night."



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Bill Cosby---Grandparents - YouTube

Bill Cosby---Grandparents - YouTube: ""



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Canibals

There were two cannibals talking about recipe ideas. The first cannibal says, "I really don't like the missionaries.  They taste terrible."

The second cannibal said, "How did you cook him?"

The first cannibal said, "I put him in the pot and boiled him, just like always."

The second cannibal asked, "What did he look like?"

The first cannibal responded, "He was kinda short, fat, half-bald, and wore a brown tunic."

The second cannibal responded, "Well, there's your problem.  That one was a friar."

2 guys in the park

Two old guys are sitting on a park bench when a stray dog walks by, drops onto the grass across from them and starts energetically licking its, ahem, private area.

The two old guys can't help but watch because this dog is really going to town. They're fascinated. 

Finally one guy pipes up: "I wish I could do that."

The other replies: "You might want to try petting him first. He looks pretty mean."