We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you. " she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love. "That must be rather difficult. " the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much. " she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset. "

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out.
She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it? "
The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried. "
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes. "

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Steve Pease / Pinterest: "

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A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you? "The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful. "The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful! "

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium. " "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket? " "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not. " "Season's more than half over," he said."

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. "
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long. "

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack? "
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack. "
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one? "
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em! "

How do you get a man to do sit ups? Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

How do you get a man to do sit ups? Glue the TV remote between his ankles...