Barbie

Have You heard about the new Divorce Barbie Doll? It comes with all of Ken's stuff!

Stupid

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "Hey, how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money? " pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him. " So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money? " The supervisor says "Intelligence ". Guido says "What is this intelligence? " The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hit a my hand as hard as you can! " Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "That's intelligence ". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says "Hey, what did he say? " With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "Hit a my hand as hard as you can... "

Lawyers

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me. "All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin. "The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that. "The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000. "

Understanding women

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out. The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish! "The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick. "The genie replies, "My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish! "The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want to be able to understand women. "The genie pauses for a moment and says -"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four? "

Disturbance Of Arafat's Grave Casts Horrible Curse On Middle East | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Disturbance Of Arafat's Grave Casts Horrible Curse On Middle East | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—Experts familiar with the ancient prophecies warned Tuesday that by exhuming the remains of former leader Yasser Arafat, Palestinian officials had unleashed a horrible curse upon the Middle East, dooming the region to now begin centuries of bloody conflict"

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Dog joke

Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.

Moron

The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets? " " 'Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two coats! "

Old man

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? " "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29? " "I am actually47. " That made her feel really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. "As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell ", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47. "Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that? "The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's! "

Cop joke

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it? "I should let you know first that I am a policeman. "That's OK. I'll tell it really slow! "

Funny

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm. "

Nerd humor

How do you know if you are a geek? Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $500.00

Lawyer joke

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

Kids humor

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. " "Why not? " replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute. "

Coffee addiction

You know you are addicted to coffee if -You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. -You sleep with your eyes open. -You have to watch videos in fast-forward. -The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. -You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. -You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. -Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. -You chew on other people's fingernails. -The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. -You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. -You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. -You can jump-start your car without cables. -You don't sweat, you percolate. -You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. -You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. -You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. -People get dizzy just watching you. -Instant coffee takes too long. -You channel surf faster without a remote. -You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. -You can outlast the Energizer bunny. -You short out motion detectors. -You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. -Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. -You help your dog chase its tail. -You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. -Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I. V. hookup. -You ski uphill. -You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. -You answer the door before people knock. -You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.p

Another farmer joke

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large ". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows ". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those "? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas "?"

Farming joke

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. "That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him. "Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems. " "Problems? " asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together. "

Medical joke

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say? " "He said you're going to die," she replied."

Newspaper humor

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. "
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled! "

Golf humor

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them? A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
2. Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before! " Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir! "
3. Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me! " Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir! "
4. Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game? " Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf. "

Doctor humor

There are several different kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists know everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

Kennedy humor

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Flood humor

During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.
As they sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed a baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it turned again and came back. "Do you see that baseball cap? " said the girl. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back. " "Oh, that's my dad," replied the boy. "This morning he said that come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass today. "

Area Woman Finally Uploads All 12 Million Pictures Of Her Vacation To Europe On Facebook | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Area Woman Finally Uploads All 12 Million Pictures Of Her Vacation To Europe On Facebook | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A laborious eight-month-long task came to an end for Facebook user Arielle Stevens on Monday, as the college junior finally finished uploading the more than 12 million photos she took during her “unforgettable” six-day vacation to Paris and Madrid last spring."

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Work humor

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly! "The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo? "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool! "The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?! "No. " replied the CEO indignantly. "Good! " replied the trainee, and puts down the phone."

Frugal | Funny Clean Jokes

Frugal | Funny Clean Jokes: "Sven and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota.

It was near the end of winter, and spring was just beginning. Sven asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco.

“Sure, but I’ll need some money,” Lena said.

Sven thought for a moment and said, “No, with the weather warming up, I don’t know how thick the ice is. So just tell them to put it on my tab.”"

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Stairway to Heaven | Funny Clean Jokes

Stairway to Heaven | Funny Clean Jokes: "A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.

God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”

“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”

Thanks, Marguerite"

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Close Calls | Funny Clean Joke

Close Calls | Funny Clean Jokes: "It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge.

The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls by the officials, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal.

When the official made yet another close call in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top. “How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed a clip in the first quarter.”

The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that YOU STINK!”

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. “And how do I smell from here?”.

"

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Elderly joke

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor? " asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has thosey prickly thorns, what's that flower's name? " "A rose? " asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from? "

Dentist joke

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet. Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now ". The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious! "

Doctor

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious? "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already! "

Another blonde joke

This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be? "
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one. "

Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window? "The Manager replied, "Which one? We have -'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95...'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95...and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00. "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95? " Dad asked surprised. Simple... "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture. "

Fire fighters

There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said,"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure. "

Old man on bench

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying."Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves. "
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world! "
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live! "

Old

Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of China when it was just ok

Kid joke

Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!

Horse joke

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull. " Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull. " Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull. " Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull. " And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try! "

Border guard

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags? ", asked the guard."Sand," said the cyclist."Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy ", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling? " "Bicycles! "

Wife joke

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home. The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, 'You don't scare me I am married to your sister!'

His and hers

His And Hers ATMs HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel "
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake"

His and hers

His And Hers ATMs HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel "
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake"

Driving joke

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow? "
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65. "
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there?
They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

Animal joke

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to. "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... *physically* attracted to my horse. "Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female? " "Female, of course! " the man replied. "What do you think I am... GAY??? "

Another blonde joke

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00. Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it. Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer. The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00? "The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word. " The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that. "Comfortable? " the guy questions. "Yes, you see she reads slow. "

This Is the Perfect Solution for Stopping Spam [Comic] - How-To Geek

This Is the Perfect Solution for Stopping Spam [Comic] - How-To Geek:

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Farmer joke

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Credit card theft

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The elderly

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem? " asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left.
Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle. "