Another farmer joke

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large ". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows ". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those "? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas "?"

Farming joke

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. "That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him. "Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems. " "Problems? " asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together. "

Medical joke

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say? " "He said you're going to die," she replied."

Newspaper humor

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. "
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled! "

Golf humor

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them? A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
2. Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before! " Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir! "
3. Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me! " Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir! "
4. Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game? " Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf. "

Doctor humor

There are several different kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists know everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

Kennedy humor

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Flood humor

During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.
As they sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed a baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it turned again and came back. "Do you see that baseball cap? " said the girl. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back. " "Oh, that's my dad," replied the boy. "This morning he said that come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass today. "

Area Woman Finally Uploads All 12 Million Pictures Of Her Vacation To Europe On Facebook | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Area Woman Finally Uploads All 12 Million Pictures Of Her Vacation To Europe On Facebook | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A laborious eight-month-long task came to an end for Facebook user Arielle Stevens on Monday, as the college junior finally finished uploading the more than 12 million photos she took during her “unforgettable” six-day vacation to Paris and Madrid last spring."

'via Blog this'

Work humor

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly! "The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo? "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool! "The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?! "No. " replied the CEO indignantly. "Good! " replied the trainee, and puts down the phone."