Kids humor

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. " "Why not? " replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute. "

Coffee addiction

You know you are addicted to coffee if -You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. -You sleep with your eyes open. -You have to watch videos in fast-forward. -The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. -You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. -You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. -Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. -You chew on other people's fingernails. -The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. -You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. -You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. -You can jump-start your car without cables. -You don't sweat, you percolate. -You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. -You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. -You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. -People get dizzy just watching you. -Instant coffee takes too long. -You channel surf faster without a remote. -You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. -You can outlast the Energizer bunny. -You short out motion detectors. -You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. -Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. -You help your dog chase its tail. -You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. -Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I. V. hookup. -You ski uphill. -You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. -You answer the door before people knock. -You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.p

Another farmer joke

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large ". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows ". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those "? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas "?"

Farming joke

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. "That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him. "Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems. " "Problems? " asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together. "

Medical joke

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say? " "He said you're going to die," she replied."

Newspaper humor

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. "
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled! "

Golf humor

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them? A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
2. Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before! " Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir! "
3. Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me! " Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir! "
4. Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game? " Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf. "

Doctor humor

There are several different kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists know everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

Kennedy humor

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Flood humor

During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.
As they sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed a baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it turned again and came back. "Do you see that baseball cap? " said the girl. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back. " "Oh, that's my dad," replied the boy. "This morning he said that come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass today. "