Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
Monday, March 31, 2014
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together aveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
One day, Harry and Sarah were having a petty argument.
After shouting back and forth, Sarah finally says, "Let's make a deal. To end this argument, you admit that I am right and I will admit that I am wrong."
Harry thought for a moment, agreed, and asked her to go first.
Sarah replied, "I'm sorry Harry, I am wrong."
In response, Harry shouts happily, "You're right!"
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Watch as Man With Road Rage Gets Dose of ‘Instant Karma’ | Video | TheBlaze.com
Watch as Man With Road Rage Gets Dose of ‘Instant Karma’ | Video | TheBlaze.com: "Imagine this: you’re being tailgated and finally the offending vehicle passes you, flipping the bird as they sail by as if you were the one doing something wrong. You take a deep breath, exhale slowly and try to take comfort in thinking that someday justice will be served."
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Tuesday, March 25, 2014
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter.. Snowing and quite coldand the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first Date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'
Ted Cruz Just Told the Best Obama Joke EVER (Click to see then Share) » Eagle Rising
Ted Cruz Just Told the Best Obama Joke EVER (Click to see then Share) » Eagle Rising: "Ted Cruz is Winning the Internet and American culture. Last week he was taking over Southern California - this week he is conquering the internet. Check out what may be the funniest Obama joke ever "
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Monday, March 24, 2014
11 of the weirdest, funniest pages on Wikipedia | News | Geek.com
11 of the weirdest, funniest pages on Wikipedia | News | Geek.com: "It’s late at night, you’re not tired, but you don’t have enough energy to do anything — even catching up on Netflix requires too much of your brain to focus. So, you end up mindlessly clicking through links you don’t care about on platforms like Reddit or 4chan. A few minutes later, that leads to an interesting page on Wikipedia, which you miraculously read in full, and in turn leads to another amusing article.
"
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"
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Saturday, March 22, 2014
Ten Reasons Adam Was the Luckiest Man :
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height " tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you? " He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map. "
PC Support : Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently can't read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:Caller "Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support? "Tech "Yes how can I help you? "Caller "The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed? " Tech "Excuse, you've stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion? "Caller "It came with the computer, I don't know of any promotion. "Tech "Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols? "Caller "Yes, it says 4X! "
Friday, March 21, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With Putin | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With Putin | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "MOSCOW—Having waited until the Russian leader was lying facedown on the massage table before quietly slipping into the room behind him, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry is said to have posed as a masseuse at a high-end Moscow spa Monday in order to spend a few minutes alone with Vladimir Putin. "
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Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "LANSING, MI—Saying he just hasn’t been motivated to change out of his pajamas and put on nice clothes, 45-year-old Jeff Renton confirmed Tuesday that he’s currently having one of those decades where he doesn’t really feel like getting up and doing anything."
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Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
20 Jokes for Nerds
20 Jokes for Nerds: "I ran into these online today… I thought they were pretty funny. I guess I’m a nerd. I suppose I have to justify posting this somehow… so I’ll just say number 18 is Catholic humor."
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'via Blog this'
Monday, March 10, 2014
Joke of the Day | Laugh Factory
Joke of the Day | Laugh Factory: "A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal.""
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Jokes – Your Daily Dose of Really Funny Jokes | Laugh Factory
Jokes – Your Daily Dose of Really Funny Jokes | Laugh Factory: "A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough.""
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Sunday, March 9, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about morality and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws" , it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sandtrap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?"
A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.
There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."
The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" The teacher paused and smiled.
"Then," Lucy said, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Monday, March 3, 2014
The 13 Best Jokes Of The 2014 Oscars | MTV.com
The 13 Best Jokes Of The 2014 Oscars | MTV.com: "The 2014 Oscars were pretty. But not, like, pretty, pretty. More of a "rugged, dirty pretty." Like Oscar-winner Matthew McConaughey; not like Oscar-winner Jared Leto, according to host Ellen DeGeneres, who provided the vast majority of the funnies during the three-plus hours of the show"
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A girl's father told her to always follow a snow plow if she got lost in a snowstorm. It finally happened. She faithfully followed him until she saw him get out and come to her car. He asked her what she was doing, and she related her father's advice. He then told her that she followed him while he plowed "Best Buy" and asked her if she wanted to follow him while he plowed J.C. Penney's.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "RIO RANCHO, NM—Leaning in anxiously toward her television Sunday as the 86th Academy Awards pre-show coverage began, 36-year-old Rachel Kohls told reporters that her past 12 months of rigorous and painstaking practice critiquing celebrity fashion has all come down to this night."
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Canibals
There were two cannibals talking about recipe ideas. The first cannibal says, "I really don't like the missionaries. They taste terrible."
The second cannibal said, "How did you cook him?"
The first cannibal said, "I put him in the pot and boiled him, just like always."
The second cannibal asked, "What did he look like?"
The first cannibal responded, "He was kinda short, fat, half-bald, and wore a brown tunic."
The second cannibal responded, "Well, there's your problem. That one was a friar."
The second cannibal said, "How did you cook him?"
The first cannibal said, "I put him in the pot and boiled him, just like always."
The second cannibal asked, "What did he look like?"
The first cannibal responded, "He was kinda short, fat, half-bald, and wore a brown tunic."
The second cannibal responded, "Well, there's your problem. That one was a friar."
2 guys in the park
Two old guys are sitting on a park bench when a stray dog walks by, drops onto the grass across from them and starts energetically licking its, ahem, private area.
The two old guys can't help but watch because this dog is really going to town. They're fascinated.
Finally one guy pipes up: "I wish I could do that."
The other replies: "You might want to try petting him first. He looks pretty mean."
The two old guys can't help but watch because this dog is really going to town. They're fascinated.
Finally one guy pipes up: "I wish I could do that."
The other replies: "You might want to try petting him first. He looks pretty mean."
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